Eric's Letters

Past letters: Health Update

The Ceiling Fan Saved My Marriage

From: Eric Pullin
Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2001 12:28 AM
Subject: The Ceiling Fan Saved My Marriage

Stoobie--

You won't believe this, but the ceiling fan saved my marriage. Yes it did, and not in the weird, sick way you might think.

Initially, my wife was quite opposed to the idea of our getting a ceiling fan. She had visions of the thing twirling off its moorings in the middle of the night and cutting us to pieces. She also argued rather implausibly that the force of the fan might actually rip out a large section of the ceiling as if it were some sort of World War II airplane engine.

Eventually convinced that the thing wouldn't spin us to death in a horrible chopping accident, she still asked, what if I sit up in bed real fast and hit my head on one of the blades? In order to know how absurd such a suggestion this is, you have to know my wife. My wife is four-feet ten-inches tall and she stands a full foot shorter than I do! In any case, the ceiling fan is over six-feet above where she sleeps.

Despite my wife's fear, I went ahead and installed the ceiling fan. It's not that I disregarded her feelings; it's that I couldn't tell her my true motive.

Now, you know me. I am capable of producing not only prodigious amounts of flatulence, but also some of the most profoundly stinky odors ever to come out of a human body. Basically, the reason why I got the fan was to protect my wife from the gas. Candles are dangerous and the sprays were giving her asthma. But I've got to get some sleep; I can't stay up spraying all night. Short of fitting myself with some sort of tube as an evacuation device, I had to think of a solution.

Anyway, the first night we had the fan, my wife, convinced that she would be beheaded during the night, slept in fear. Strangely, though, she woke the next day refreshed. At first she was confused. She couldn't quite account for the disturbingly restful sleep she had. What was different she asked. I told her that it was the fan she was so afraid of. Nonsense was her reaction. Nevertheless, it was the fan which was responsible for her rest. When I noted the physics of the situation, she was astonished, but very grateful. She had complained many times before that she had been woken from many a dead sleep by the movement of certain winds. Now, here was something that is neither fire nor spray nor plug. Here was something natural...and it saved our marriage.

The downside of all this is that I have to sleep on my right side with my posterior pointing to the left side of the bed so that any unpleasant odors are whisked away by the fan. But, my wife loves our new addition, and that's what counts. In fact, the first thing she does when she walks into the room is turn the fan on. Yes, she does that, and she flashes me a grateful smile.

--Uncle Eric

Past letters: Health Update

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